I have been coaching parents of struggling adult children for over thirty years. My work in these situations encompasses the United States and abroad. Most parents who contact me are looking to feel empowered (after feeling stuck, frustrated, and disempowered) and want to know what to say to get their adult children to stop being emotionally abusive and disrespectful.
I received the following three emails this morning (I changed some demographics to maintain confidentiality):
Hi Dr. Bernstein, "I need advice on how to deal with kicking my 24-year-old son out. My husband and I are at our wit's end! We are both loyal and faithful but in a strained situation. My son is lazy, entitled, can't hold a job, and dishonest."
Hi Dr. Bernstein, "My 27-year-old daughter seems to just want to take, take, take. We are beyond frustrated (can you tell!) as all attempts to get her through college, or hold a job and become independent have failed."
Dr. Bernstein, "Can you please help me? My 34-year-old son is still blaming me for putting him in a school he hated during his middle school years. He is financially successful but continues to bring up things from long ago and throw them in my face."
If the harsh criticism, broken promises, and trampled boundaries came from any other person, you’d probably opt out of the relationship for good. But that's not really the desired option in this case where you've got decades of your love, guidance, and life invested in your adult child.
Still, their disrespect hits hard and it feels as though all your years of sacrifice are being devalued and erased. While your adult child is spewing out your many failures, you’re silently stewing (or maybe you occasionally lose it and yell) about the money you’ve spent, field hockey and soccer games you’ve watched, laundry loads you’ve folded, school events you attended and homework projects you’ve supervised.
You might tell yourself not to let all this bother you, yet so much of your identity as a person seems to be bound up in what your children think of you. Try as you may, putting this pain out of your head does not work. In fact, all that does is put you on the "bottle it up and implode or explode later plan," which is not a good option.
Yes, for sure, guilt and regret over some aspect of parenting are common. No one parents perfectly. Your past decisions and even your personality style may have created struggles for your children, whether you intended them or not. The anger released on you (even if it feels disproportionate) may be the result of past events or emotional injuries.
The only perfect people are in the cemetery. And the last thing you want is to become "perfect" by stressing yourself to death! Right? Yet, your child is more aware of, and perhaps more verbal about, your faults than anyone. Their opinion of you understandably weighs on you--so much. All this said, if you're like most of my parent clients, disrespect from your adult child triggers your deepest parental fear: You don’t want to lose them.
In many cases, these divides and tensions are even worse with adult children who struggle with mental health and or addictions. These situations can further impact:
- Whether your child can successfully and consistently manage emotions.
- How they perceive you.
- How your child communicates with you.
- Whether they can problem solve conflicts between you.
- Your adult child’s vulnerability to animosity being stoked by someone else in their life — such as your ex-spouse, their friend, or their significant other.
How to Manage the Disrespect
The days of, "You’re grounded. Give me the car keys. Hand over the phone." are long gone. As an adult child, more of the power is in their hands. They now have a choice about what type of relationship they want with you, or whether to be in a relationship with you. This shift in the power dynamics can be utterly disorienting, and you may need to take steps to process your feelings about it.
Anger Essential Reads
The Best Ways to Manage Anger
Mastering Irrational Anger—Yours and Others'
But your adult child can't take away your grace, strength, and dignity. In fact, how about making "Grace, Strength, and Dignity" your silent mantra? Now, before I end this post, let me give you some samples of empowering soundbites that I provide for my parent clients:
“I hear that’s how you see it. I see it differently. It may help us to move on if we agree to disagree instead of continuing to fight.”
“I hope that once we calm down, we will be able to have a constructive conversation about this.”
“I can’t control the way you choose to speak to me [or your sibling, other parent, relative] when you are upset. I think you will feel better by being more respectful.”
“It’ll work better for both of us if you can say what you mean without saying it meanly.”
“There’s a reactive side of me, as your parent, that now wants to yell and get controlling. Just being aware and expressing this is helping me stay calmer. How about we talk this out so we can understand each other better?”
Wishing you grace, strength, and dignity.
References
Bernstein, J. (2020). The Anxiety, Depression, & Anger Toolbox for Teens, Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing.
Bernstein, J. (2015). 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (2nd Ed.) Perseus Books, New York, NY.
Bernstein J. (2009) Liking the Child You Love, Perseus Books, New York, NY.
Bernstein, J. (2019). The Stress Survival Guide for Teens. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Bernstein, J. (2017). Letting go of Anger—Card deck for teens. Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing.
Bernstein, J. (2003) Why Can't You Read My Mind? Perseus Books, New York, NY.
